Absolutelee.com

Look, I’ve been married for quite a few years. And, brother, I know the score.

Biologically, men are made for three things 1) killing large animals and bringing them home to feed the family, 2) killing predators both animal and human in order to protect the family, and 3) making babies!

So, you’ve been doing the 21st century version of this for the past few years, and…well, it’s tough for a guy!

Uncle Absolutelee understands!

Check this out.

You’re in the grocery store (modern day version of killing the big animal) and you’re surrounded by all these really great looking women in their early twenties. You know the kind, low riding jeans (the kind she has to shave in order to wear), short t-shirt (preferably ripped in strategic places), tattoos up both arms, double D…(just use your imagination).  This is not the kind of girl you want to take home to mom!

And what do you do? You lower your head like some sort of cowering dog and continue shopping.

That’s what we’re meant to do, right? I mean that’s the moral thing to do, just go home, fix supper (Southern for dinner), TV, put the kids to bed, go to bed yourself and then actually just go to sleep.

Surely there’s more for us than that!

Well, bubba, there is.

I’m going to tell you how to have your proverbial cake and eat it, too!

(Note, you might not want your wife to read this over your shoulder. Believe me; she won’t understand!)

To make this delicious change in your life, I need you to just relax and remember those halcyon days when you were single. Jeez, you were a stud, weren’t you?

Now, we need to get you back into fighting shape, so to speak. So, I want you to remember the exact moment you first laid eyes on the woman who was to become your wife.

I remember that moment like it was yesterday.

Just to help you out, let me tell you about it.

I met my wife in a bookstore. She worked there. I was a customer.

It was evening, dark and rainy. The sales counter for this bookstore was directly opposite the front door, so when I opened the door to go in I saw the girl I would later marry. I know this doesn’t happen to everyone, but I knew at that very instant she was the one for me. I thought she was the most beautiful, sexiest thing God had ever made! Long story short, we got married about a year later.

Do you remember what your wife looked like when you first saw her? What was she wearing? What was her hair like? How about her eyes?

The first time you touched her, just touched her hand, how did it feel?

What about the first time you kissed?

So, you fell in love, got married and then the courtship ended. What was the most beautiful thing that had happened to any person on the planet, became get up, go to work, come home, eat supper, look at TV, go to bed, cut the grass on the weekends, take the car to the shop, go to the grocery store, change diapers, drive the kids to school, break up fights between your son and his little sister, go back to school so you could advance in your job, watch your parents’ health fail, watch your wife’s parents’ health fail, move, move again, buy a new car, wreck the car, worry about paying the bills, worry about retirement, worry about missing your daughter’s soccer game, rush to the store to buy your wife something for Christmas, and on and on and on … no wonder you and your wife have grown apart. Who has time?

Yeah, right. I know what you’re saying. Something like: Hey man, when I met my wife she was a size (whatever, I’m not good with sizes) and she was built like a brick battleship. (Ladies, I’m a man. I’m a dinosaur–an unrepentant male, chauvinist, pig. I actually believe that women are to be treated as princesses, although this is not politically correct! So when I say “guy things” like she was built like a brick battleship, just gloss over that part.) Anyway, what you might be thinking is that your wife doesn’t look like she did five, ten, twenty years ago.

I got news for you, you don’t either.

When you met her, sure she was younger than she is now, but I bet a Hollywood casting director would have laughed in your face if you told him your wife was the most beautiful woman on the planet. Chances are she wasn’t Angelina Jolie. (Heck, not even Angelina Jolie’s Angelina Jolie any more.)

But here’s the important part. To you your wife was Angelina Jolie. When you met her, you thought she was so beautiful she made Angelina Jolie look like an old shoe. Why was this? Because you were in love with her.

See, here’s the key. At one time in your life, you were smitten by her. The smitten part went away and you were just left with the “honey what do you want for supper” part. Well, you’ve got to get the smitten back. Because if you get the smitten back, then you’ll look at your wife and not see her as twenty years older anymore. You’ll see her as the sexiest thing on the planet–the way you used to see her before life took over.

So, this is what I want you to do. Sit quietly and think about how it was when you were first dating. Really focus on details. What was your car like? What did she smell like? Where did you go out to eat? That sort of thing.

Now…Well, you can take your fantasy from there. But when your done fantasizing get up and go find your wife. She’s probably in the kitchen cooking your supper, or in the laundry room washing your kids’ clothes, or on the phone with her sister figuring out what to do with Dad because he needs to go to a nursing home.

Walk up to her. Take whatever is in her hands and gently put it down for her. Now, look into her eyes, and say the following words:

“You are the greatest thing, God has ever given me. I love you with all my heart.”

Now kiss her. No! Not a we’re thirty-five going on fifty polite peck on the cheek, but a real full throttle, swoop her off her feet kind of kiss. (The way you first kissed her.)

She’s going to think you’re crazy; she might even get mad at you. Do it anyway. Start treating your wife less like your house cleaner and more like your lover. You might be amazed to find out who you’re really married to!

Adios!

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 24th, 2007 at 7:53 pm and is filed under Parenting, humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.