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I was in traffic yesterday listening to the radio. Generally I switch between a hard rock station and a country station to avoid the ads. Both had ads on at the moment, so I wandered over to NPR, where much to my delight there was a story about how memberships in nudist colonies are declining.

The nudist colony population is aging, and twenty somethings and thirty somethings aren’t exactly breaking down the doors to get in. Go figure!

Who in their right mind would want to hang out nude (no pun intended) with a bunch of fifty year olds?

Not me!

Now, if the situation were reversed, say if there were nudist camps full of twenty year olds, yeah, I could see that.

Well, let me be more precise.

If there were camps full of twenty to twenty-seven year old females (just full of females), then I would consider joining. It would be a tough decision, and I would waffle around on it, but I think in the end I would acquiesce. (I’m not quite sure what my wife would do about this, but it’s all hypothetical anyway.)

The reality is that nudist camps are full of fifty and sixty year old baby boomers who’ve probably been eating an all raw foods diet for the past twenty years.

This would be like National Geographic meets your local country club.

As a matter of fact, why not just have nude country clubs? They could all sit around the pool, get drunk, then go play nude golf.

Or have a nude fundraiser for the local homeless shelter. Maybe the monies from the fundraiser could go toward buying clothes for the homeless. Heck, why not just a direct transfer? Just donate your clothes directly to the homeless. You could line them up according to size, then switch.

Obviously this nude thing has been eating up a lot of my brain time.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why anyone would want to sit around looking at a bunch of naked people. It’s not like these would all be runners up for Playboy Playmate of the month. I mean these are just normal people, like you and me.

Now, I’m pretty well preserved for a guy my age, but I’m sure as heck not center-fold material.

If you want to get a handle on this nude thing, as soon as they open your neighborhood pool, go there and just hang around.

Normal people just don’t look that great without clothes.

Why do you think they invented clothes anyway? Why did Adam and Eve feel the need to cover their nakedness?

Eve looked at Adam, made a face, and said something like: It’s so …! (You can fill in the blank–I was thinking of something that rhymed with “fall”.)

Okay, so much for the creationist theory. How about the evolutionist theory?

That’s even more problematic.

Have you ever tried to sprint nude?

Well, just so you know, I haven’t, but I do have some experience running with less than adequate support. This happens sometimes with cheap running shorts.

It hurts!

That sort of pendulum, flapping, slapping motion gets old quickly.

And I’m a guy! I can’t imagine what it would be like for a woman, especially if you actually were Playboy Playmate of the month runner up material. (But if you were, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, would we. We would be happily sitting in our all female with one male nudist colony drinking Mai Tais.)

Seriously, how did our hominid ancestors run after game without hurting themselves or creating large stretch marks?

Nowadays you can have surgery to remove stretch marks. I know a guy whose wife did just that–to the tune of $10,000.

But half a million years ago? How did they cope?

We’re just not like other animals. This walking upright thing positions our private parts in the wrong place. Instead of being back behind where they don’t get in the way, like a dog or a cat, ours are right out in front.

A female dog has her teats positioned well behind her main line of defense, but a female human leads with hers. They are right out there for all to see–which is why, probably, you don’t see dogs drooling over center-folds with pictures of scantily clad female dogs. I mean, I’ve got a female dog. There’s really nothing much to see.

When looked at this way, evolution just doesn’t make sense. It seems like we evolved in retrograde, going from the relative security of having those most important parts of ourselves securely hidden and tucked away from having them be the feature that stands out the most. (Or stand up the most…Ouch! )

I read in a book on anthropology somewhere that compared with other animals, we are an over-sexed species. Maybe it was the upright walking thing that did this.

In other words, instead of our normal icons of civilization, you know the great pyramids, the Empire State building, or the McDonald’s arches (Do McDonald’s still have arches?), maybe we should use…yes, you guessed it! this month’s Playboy centerfold!

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This entry was posted on Sunday, May 20th, 2007 at 5:08 pm and is filed under humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.